Asking For a Friend | Chapter 60
Advice from Babe to Babe
For those of us plugging away at the nine-to-five (or, for some of us, the eight-to-six-thirty), we spend more time with our coworkers than anyone else in our lives. That means little problems can become big ones, fast. This week, the gurus tackle two problematic situations: a not-so-happy happy hour and a cubicle crush. Read on for their expert advice.
If you would consider quitting because your coworkers drink and you don't, I'd suggest you might have some deeper concerns about (or issues with) your job. Yes, culture matters, but there's a lot more to company culture than drinking (this is coming from someone who used to work in an agency with beer taps in the wall, and who currently works at an association with a liquor bar and wine locker wall that would make most bars jealous). Rather than quitting, can you find some other commonality between you and your coworkers that you could use to build a bond with? Or are there real problems with this job that allow the drinking issue to be the straw that breaks your camel's back?
Not at all! More and more, bars and restaurants are offering "mocktails"—or you could always go with a soda water and lime. That way, you've got a drink in your hand and no one has to know there's not alcohol in it. That should help fend off some of the questions and offers to grab a drink for you. Chances are you're more worried about what's in your cup than anyone you work with.
Honestly, I feel like there is some context missing from this question. Only you will know if you fit in with the culture (and if you don't feel like you do, quitting may be your answer), but I would say that you definitely do not have to quit for any reason other than it being the right choice for you. Dig deeper into your question: what is the "and" and what is the "if" for your statements and question, respectively?
For example, if your question were:
(1) "I don't drink at all..." and I don't know how to set boundaries with my coworkers who do. "Do I have to quit..." if I want more confidence and respect? I'd say you do not need to quit. However, you could definitely benefit from learning to be more assertive and consistent with boundary-setting (a serious skill that takes time to master). Find some resources that help you build this skill and start practicing, and don't forget to be patient with yourself while you learn it.
(2) "I feel like I don't fit in with the culture..." and I'd like people to get to know me outside of the office without involving alcohol. "Do I have to quit..." if alcohol is the only way to network? I'd say, most likely. If you have tried to offer alternatives and work with your team to find additional social networking activities and they still only opt for options with alcohol, this team may not be a place where you are given the best opportunity for success. Try to bring up the things you do enjoy doing with your team and see if you have any takers. If you can get at least one person to try it, you'll make stronger connections anyway.
(3) "All the people I work with are big drinkers..." and I'm uncomfortable with the pressure I feel to do participate. "Do I have to I have to quit..." if I want to feel more included at work? I'd say self-reflection will be key here. Why do you feel pressure? Where is the pressure coming from? Can you get fulfillment from your role without being included in this way? Are there other ways to feel included on your team? Once you understand the situation better you'll be able to make the call on quitting.
This can be tricky, but you have a couple of options. Try bonding with your coworkers over long lunches or coffee dates for some quality one-on-one time. Or, before jumping off the drinking train entirely, try looking at activities that combine what they love (the sauce) with something you can all get behind, like axe-throwing bars or wine and succulent classes. Or, if you're open to the frivolity, I'd stick with a classic soda water and lime, and hit up happy hour. The important part is that you're together, so cheers to that!
Unless sampling wines, beers, and cocktails is part of your job description, you don't need to look at this as an "either/or" situation—either you drink with them or you leave your job behind. If it is part of your job, well then yes, you might need to consider alternate employment options. If it isn't, I suggest thinking more about what you mean when you speak about "fit[ting] in with the culture"—are people drinking during business hours and asking you to participate in a way that impacts your day-to-day role? If so, start off by declining with a simple "I don't drink." If their day-drinking continues to impact your work, consider looping in your supervisor to brainstorm ways you can focus on your roles and responsibilities (e.g., change your office or seating locations, block off time where you don't need to be in the space where the consumption occurs, etc).
If by "culture," you're referring to out-of-work gatherings, you can go out with the group once in a while, stay for a little to show your face and mingle, and then leave; you can just not go to the gatherings where they're drinking at all and form connections with them in other ways; or you can find someone else in your company who isn't as into heavy drinking as the majority seem to be and navigate the culture together.
YOU IN DANGER, GIRL! This is a recipe for disaster. The best thing you can do: Steer clear of your crush and do not act on it. If you're happy in your relationship and your job, then don't endanger them.
Make a decision on what tradeoff you want. Either (1) break up with your current relationship and chase the new guy, or (2) stick with your current relationship and forget about your crush. But until you make that critical decision (and only you can make it), you should go with the only thing you can do: nothing.
Before you start looking at this coworker seriously, you might need to reevaluate your own relationship. Is there something missing in your current relationship you're seeking out? Or something about your coworker you're missing in your current partner? And if you do leave your current relationship, make sure you take some time before you go down the same path with your coworker. It sounds like there's some self-reflection ahead!
This is pretty common—especially in today's working culture, where we spend arguably way more time with our coworkers than our friends and family. It's definitely natural (and, TBH, can make the workplace more fun and exciting on slower days) but I'd encourage you to remember that you only know one side of this person—the work side of him. Before taking any further measures or making any big life changes, I'd ask yourself if this crush is a fun and convenient workday muse or something that has foreseeable longevity (and is worth breaking someone else's heart over?). Also, is it worth shaking up your workplace experience and potentially causing future issues with your job?
TL;DR: work crushes happen, but they're not always worth acting on.
There's nothing wrong with a harmless crush—as humans, of course we're going to find desirable qualities in multiple people. The way that this can move from harmless to harmful is if you act on this crush in a way that negatively impacts not only your working relationship, but your personal relationship, too. If your crush is grounded in something being missing in your own relationship, speak with your partner about it. You don't necessarily need to mention your coworker specifically, but you can discuss your changing needs and work together to identify what ways, if any, they can be met. If you're no longer interested in continuing your relationship and/or you find it's no longer providing what you need, end things and take time to identify what it is you truly want. Is it your coworker or is it the idea of what they represent or offer? This is a tricky situation, so I encourage you to tread lightly and be honest with yourself about what's really going on.
You’ve got two separate thoughts cooking here: (1) You have a crush on your coworker (totally normal—you spend a third of your life with your colleagues, and developing emotional attachments or attraction happens, especially when you get to see people at their best and doing what they’re really good at; it doesn’t have to lead to anything), and (2) You’re in a relationship.
Tackle those two things separately. It’s a crush, not love, so don’t stress out about it—but whatever you do, don’t put yourself in a position where you could jeopardize your employment or your relationship. No crush is worth losing the things you’re serious about.
Until Next Week,
—The BWH Advice Gurus
Asking for a Friend is Babes Who Hustle's weekly advice column that asks and answers the work-related questions on all of our minds.
Looking for advice and guidance? Hit us with all of your workplace-related questions below and stay tuned for next Wednesday's edition!