Asking For a Friend | Chapter 62
Advice from Babe to Babe
It’s Wednesday afternoon at the office. You walk towards the trash can to throw away your salad-bar-to-go box and recoil when you realize it’s overflowing with garbage and fruit flies are swarming. You turn around to grab a glass from the shelf for a cup of water and realize they’re all sitting, dirty, in the sink. And the kicker? It’s only after you’ve washed your hands that you realize the paper towel holder is empty. You want to scream. You want to rage. Instead, take a deep breath—and read on for our gurus’ advice on getting your coworkers to help pick up some slack.
We literally had to do a chore chart at my old job that was broken down by department. It's embarrassing to have to resort to parenting tactics but ... it worked!
We all have to pitch in and do things outside of our job descriptions now and then, but that should definitely should be equally distributed. Your frustration is totally valid—especially because this takes away valuable time from your actual job. If you have someone to talk to on the HR or office admin, maybe you can suggest to them incorporating rotating assigned tasks to everyone in the office. There's nothing like a good ol’ chore chart to spread the fun around.
I would start by putting aside the obvious gender issue and focusing on the behavior you’re observing. People generally behave in different ways because of the consequences (positive or negative) they’ve experienced. If you keep taking the trash out, they don’t have to. If you keep washing the dishes, they will come in and use a clean dish and then toss the dirty one in the sink. So, just stop doing it. When the system abusers come in to throw away garbage to find a full can or use a dish to find there are none, they will be forced to make a decision. This may take a few rounds, but eventually, they will move into action. Sometimes, the best way to address bad behavior is not to call it out or regulate it with rules, it’s to allow natural contingencies to shape an outcome that’s more desirable.
Wow, this is relatable. Without knowing the size and structure of your company and office, my first suggestion is to go straight to management with the observation that “office chores are getting out of hand” and find out if there is a budget for hiring a general weekly office cleaning service. Except in the case of startups where everything is informal and everyone does a little of everything, it’s presumably in no employee’s job description to take out the trash. You could also show initiative by asking to formalize a policy about dishes; something along the lines of, “If you use a dish, you wash it.” While you may have noticed the women do more unprompted housekeeping and nurturing work than the men (and I believe you), these methods address the issue without involving that observation in the discourse. The bulk of your coworkers might have gotten used to the extra effort of the few of you, but habits can be changed.
Personally, I think the "gentle" approach gives your male colleagues too much space to push this issue aside and gives you too much safe space to hide behind. Gentleness can be a protective armor in a lot of ways, which gives us an easy out when people respond negatively to our feedback. As Brené Brown teaches us, armor gets us nowhere. We want to get real and honest with each other to understand each other. My advice here (if you truly want change) is to step up, be brave, and call a spade a spade. There are ways to be assertive without being rude. Just don't beat around the bush because you're trying to tip-toe around your male colleagues’ sensitivities on this subject and put them ahead of your own right to a 50/50 split of duties. If you take this head-on and you still feel that you are being treated unfairly due to your gender, escalate the issue to leadership (if you can). Being clear and direct in your ask for shared responsibility and being fair and vulnerable in your request for changed behavior are the best ways to approach this topic (both peer-to-peer and with leadership.) I know that this advice can be intimidating and sometimes scary, but you’ve got this!
I find this issue in homes, and I especially notice it during Thanksgiving meals. It’s been bothering me, as well. I have been trying to ask for help ahead of time, and offering exaggerated praise afterward. Almost like teaching a child to do chores.
Until Next Week,
—The BWH Advice Gurus
Asking for a Friend is Babes Who Hustle's weekly advice column that asks and answers the work-related questions on all of our minds.
Looking for advice and guidance? Hit us with all of your workplace-related questions below and stay tuned for next Wednesday's edition!