Asking For a Friend | Chapter 65
Advice from Babe to Babe
Don’t call HR—today, we’re talking about sex. From inappropriate client relationships to inappropriate sexting recipients, this week the gurus respond to three XXX questions.
This likely is dependent on your company (and whether or not it has any policies about this), your position in the company, and your boss. Can you get fired for this? Yes. Will you absolutely be fired for it? Probably not.
Situations like this can be incredibly hard, emotionally speaking. Please find someone (or a group of someones) you can reach out to when trying to resolve (or respond to) this gets hard. You don't want to approach this alone! Even if this is not explicitly laid out in your company's code of conduct, this could definitely constitute a conflict of interest (assuming this is a current client of your organization) and you should definitely proceed with caution. (Even more so if this is your direct client.)
Every company handles things like this differently and you have a couple of options here, where you could: (1) say nothing, change nothing, and hope no one finds out, now or later (not recommended); (2) read through your employee handbook and figure out what the policies surrounding conflicts of interest are for your organization, then proceed on your own, per those policies; (3) approach your manager with this scenario (if you have that relationship with them) and try to work out the most ethical solution that doesn't hurt anyone (e.g. put you on a different account or document the controls in place that prevent unethical business operations). I would say to avoid the first option, as tempting as it is, because the truth always comes out and you will want to be ahead of that kind of thing. If you do everything you can to show your company you’re trying to move forward in the most ethical way possible, you should be OK.
The best way to check would be to look up your work policy or employee handbook in regards to boundaries and clients. That could give you some clarification. From an ethical standpoint (not knowing what field you’re in), I really wouldn't advise sleeping with clients. It really messes up boundaries and can blur the lines between business and pleasure times. It is hard to be the bad guy, enforce, give advice they won’t like, etc. if you’re connected with them in that way (you might not want to hurt their feelings or they might not take it seriously). A point of caution: I don't know many companies that would be OK with you sleeping with clients (even if they don't have a policy on it). It seems like one of those unwritten rules.
Since it could pose a serious conflict of interest, I can't imagine your boss would be happy to find out. Your company likely has an official policy on fraternizing with clients you could consult just to be sure, but a positive response seems unlikely. I would end the sexual relationship or the professional one—trying to maintain both is asking for trouble.
Yes, probably. Consider asking the boss what the policy is and perhaps mention having an interest or some chemistry.
That depends on your work policy, however there are many other factors to consider. Make sure to weigh all the aspects, such as how this will affect your career/professional reputation/work dynamics. Mixing pleasure and business can get messy quickly. Make sure you and the other person are on the same page on important items such as PDA, who you are disclosing your personal relationship to, etc. Make sure you are 100 percent comfortable with the situation and only move forward if you can handle the worst-case scenario.
In these scenarios, I've always remind myself of my principles and values, and then see how they apply here. I would probably speak up. I've learned it's incredibly important to assume the other person has good intent (maybe they don't know they're being inappropriate) and give them an opportunity—and even help them—to do better. Awareness of a problem is the only way to bring about a change in behavior. She can't change what she doesn't know is coming across wrong.
I also think we have to support each other as women. Approach her with the mindset of openness to understanding her and a willingness to listen when she is inevitably caught off guard by the conversation. Be vulnerable with her about why you're approaching her (to help) and try your best not to "preach" to her about how you perceive her behavior. Sexual harassment, no matter where it comes from, is too important to be a bystander to anymore. I believe if more people said something, we would see less of anything like it in the future.
I would say yes; maybe she doesn't know and she needs to be informed that she’s being inappropriate, so that if it gets escalated she knows why.
I would check in and see how your coworkers feel. Are they uncomfortable? Feeling less safe or pressured in any way? Sexual harassment is never OK, but I feel like people are less inclined to suspect women. If anyone answers yes to your questions, I would go to HR. You should be able to report anonymously if your coworkers aren't comfortable reporting it. This would probably be more effective (and less uncomfortable) than confronting your coworker directly. If HR is involved, someone is less likely to brush off their coworker's concerns with an "I'm just playing!" type of response.
If the colleague is a friend, say something. If not, mind your own business. (With that said, if it makes you uncomfortable, friend or not, you should def. say something.)
We've all sent a text to the wrong person before, but this is probably worst-case scenario for me. I think the best you can do is pray your boss has a good sense of humor and can laugh with you about it—if you ever get to the point where you can laugh about it yourself. 😂
I’d be equally as mortified! Time heals all wounds? Maybe a conversation to get the awkwardness done and over with will speed it along.
Pardon my language, but dear God, that's fucking awful. Good on you for apologizing immediately, but it might not hurt to consult HR as well on this one. Honesty and transparency are usually the best policy, and coming forward to own your mistake to a third party could cover your ass in the future on the off chance you stand to be accused of sexual harassment, and provide context if suddenly your boss takes your "mistake" as an invitation. Other than that, I'd say do your best to return to business as usual. Your boss probably doesn't want to dwell on it any more than you do. (Also please, please have a drink.)
It depends how long you’ve been avoiding—within a week, acknowledge the mistake in-person and apologize again; mention that you hope it won’t make things weird. If it’s been more than a week, just move on.
Until Next Week,
—The BWH Advice Gurus
Asking for a Friend is Babes Who Hustle's weekly advice column that asks and answers the work-related questions on all of our minds.
Looking for advice and guidance? Hit us with all of your workplace-related questions below and stay tuned for next Wednesday's edition!