Asking For a Friend | Chapter 66
Advice from Babe to Babe
There are more women in the workforce than ever before, but it’s not all sunshine, and rainbows, and cycles that are synced so you always have someone to borrow a tampon from. We’ve got 99 problems—and this week, at least two of them are about other women. Luckily, the gurus are here to help.
Honestly, depending on how comfortable you are with her, just get to know her. Talk to her about her experience getting to where she is now and learn about how you can apply the lessons she learned to your own success. Connection is always the best way to combat feelings of negativity towards another person. Befriend her and maybe you'll find that celebrating her gets easier over time. Once you get to a place of support and celebration, you'll be surprised by the opportunities that also come your way. Maybe she'll get offers she can't take on, but will pass on to you. Maybe proximity to her will also get you similar exposure to leadership. Maybe you'll just get a great work wife and support system. Either way, finding ways to connect is the best thing you can do to reduce the jealousy you're describing. The more we get to know people, the more we are able to empathize with them. If you learn more about the battles she had to overcome to get where she is, you may find that there is more to relate to than be jealous of anyway.
When I find myself jealous of female colleagues, I tell myself to turn jealousy into motivation to work harder or understand the cause of her success. In this day and age, when we are fighting for equality, I feel it’s even more important to support one another in the workplace. (Otherwise, we have the problem described in the next question.)
Sometimes when I’m trying to sort through a problem, I block off time to do something that helps me unwind. Whether that’s taking a bath, going for a walk, or cooking a favorite dish, the idea is to be in a relaxed setting, alone. Then, I run through the issue. In this case, it’s being jealous of your colleague. As I’m doing said activity, I walk myself through the issue, really sitting with the feeling and reflecting on why this could be happening. It could help to ask yourself a list of questions: Are you generally happy at work? Do you feel overlooked by your boss? Is there something you want to learn but don’t feel you have access to? Is there a promotion or organization you want but feelings of imposter syndrome take over?
Actually sitting with pain is not fun, but often it’s needed to move through the hurdle. Sometimes—and I speak from personal experience—it helps to write these thoughts out. Once you’ve given yourself the freedom to identify and recognize the reasons behind the emotion, you can take action steps.
Action steps can look like researching classes, webinars, or events you can attend to enhance your preferred skill sets. It can look like asking for different and/or additional projects at work, and it can look like setting a coffee date with your colleague so you can pick her brain and gain insight into tools and resources you might not have otherwise known about. You might also get to know her in the process, which can certainly help alleviate jealousy. Once you know someone's story, it’s easier to come from a place of understanding and appreciation versus fear or jealousy.
I find, more often than not, these are the people that it’s best to be aligned with, because you can learn from them. You can probably push through the jealousy by focusing on what you can do to accelerate, rather than focusing on what you aren't doing that's causing her to experience success. Also, I find, personally, that if I can encourage myself to be complimentary with someone I'm a little jealous of, I eventually start to feel it rather than stewing in the negativity.
Jealousy is one of those things that can catch you by surprise, but it’s also a choice you have to make to support your coworker and do your best to brush aside those feelings—especially if you stand behind her work. There’s no room for jealousy when we need to lift each other up.
I would be very wary in this situation. Take the time to analyze who she's hard on and why. Some people may come off as mean when they're really just pushing us to achieve more or realize something we may be unaware of—but her actions could also be fueled by jealousy or insecurity. If you think it's the latter, it might be time to bring this up to other leadership or explore other options, because this toxic behavior will only get worse over time.
I once had a boss who was clearly misogynistic, and she was a woman. It always surprised me, even in 10 years of working for her, how she wouldn't let women do certain jobs for reasons she never articulated. It's disappointing because we need women to advocate for each other and our capabilities so men will start to respect it as well. Your boss sounds like she went too far the opposite way. She might be dishing out extra tough love to the women because she knows it can be harder for women and tougher at the top. But not everyone responds to that kind of feedback, so I would be honest with her about the type of motivation that helps you. She might think she's being helpful currently, but I would think she would respond well to a woman feeling bold enough to give her honest, forthright feedback.
Until Next Week,
—The BWH Advice Gurus
Asking for a Friend is Babes Who Hustle's weekly advice column that asks and answers the work-related questions on all of our minds.
Looking for advice and guidance? Hit us with all of your workplace-related questions below and stay tuned for next Wednesday's edition!