Asking For a Friend | Chapter 67
Advice from Babe to Babe
If there’s one thing we’ll try to avoid at work—more than donuts on the kitchen counter or, yes, responding to emails—it’s uncomfortable conversations. But learning to have the tough talks is part of growing in seniority and becoming a leader in the workplace. It’s not fun, but it’s unavoidable. So, this week, the gurus weigh in with expert advice on how to respond in challenging circumstances—from the mundane ones to the lines in the sand.
This has happened to me before and I always try to just stay pretty brief, going with something like "I'd rather not say," or simple, "it's not related to work." If they continue asking, I would either a) directly tell them it's inappropriate to ask or b) have a chat with HR or your supervisor to see if a general, office-wide reminder can be issued that outside appointments/activities are not appropriate to discuss.
A polite smile and a breezy "That's personal, actually" followed by a topic change go a long way. Sometimes nosy people don't realize how tactless their questions are, and a civil but direct response can keep their prying in check. If they're exceptionally persistent, check with your HR department. Some businesses have official policies when it comes to protecting an employee's health background.
Honestly and concisely. Tell them casually, that your out of office appointments are personal, and then stop there. You will have answered their question and hinted at the fact that it's, frankly, none of their business, if you do not choose to disclose further. Fingers-crossed that they pick up on that. If not, you may need to have a more clear, level-setting conversation. That should also be honest and concise. No need to over-explain yourself (or my advice) on this one. You got this!
I'm a big fan of making it super awkward for people who ask nosy questions, which isn't always the best advice but is still deeply satisfying. Consider over-sharing and/or responding with something so over-the-top it sends a message. When I worked in a small school in the small town I grew up in, a lot of people asked why my boyfriend and I hadn't gotten married yet. After what felt like the millionth time, I finally snapped when a middle-aged man asked me that question. I said, "Well, he hasn't knocked me up yet, so I don't really see the point." The look on his face was priceless, and you can bet your sweet cheeks he never asked me anything like that again.
The easiest thing for me: “I take my health and well-being seriously and make sure my body gets what it needs to be the best version of myself.” It’s none of their business, and you don’t owe them a response beyond that. Even if it is your boss asking.
I would definitely say something to your boss. You don't have to approach it like a "got ya" situation, but I would ask them if there were other reasons you didn't get promoted. Something like, "I know we discussed this previously and you let me know you were looking for employees with more experience, but I can't help but feel confused when the candidates coming in have the same amount of experience as me. Can you provide some more clarity as to why I am not in the running for this position and can grow for the future?"
Request a meeting with your boss and preferably an ally to discuss this. Tell them you noticed the candidates do not meet the experience requirements that were stated to you and ask for feedback on how you can improve. It seems like one of two things are happening: there's something with your performance that management hasn't addressed with you so they deferred to a time requirement, or you're being discriminated against for some other reason. If you suspect the latter, go to HR immediately with any evidence you have.
This will depend on the relationship that you have with your boss. If you can be vulnerable and curious without risking appearing desperate, then you should 100% have that conversation. But if the foundations of that kind of relationship don't exist, which it sounds like they might not (since they might have lied to you,) then I say make the pitch for a raise and then—depending on the answer—reflect on what that means for your next move (if any.) If you do have a good relationship with your boss, express your confusion based on the facts (as you experienced them) and ask for feedback. You may find that there is something else going on, or they may just not realize that they've made this contradictory shift and may just need some reminding of your candidacy to reconsider your application. But again, it all depends on the relationship you and your boss have cultivated. Reflect on that first, then determine how you should proceed.
I wouldn't tell her you feel like you were lied to unless you have a close relationship with her. Approaching her with that sentiment is really more about your feelings than anything else and isn't likely to get you the answers you’re probably actually seeking. You might have more success going to her and asking kindly but directly what else you could do to improve so that you'll be a good candidate in the near future. You can also say that you're asking because you notice that candidates they're interviewing seem to have less experience than she said they were looking for, and while you understand that you're not the right candidate now, you would like to be the right person next time around. At the end of the day, while your feelings may be (rightfully) hurt, this really isn't about your feelings. It's about your skill set, your career path, and your ability to advance.
Should you tell your boss you feel they lied? No. Should you address your concerns to better understand why you weren’t a good fit? Absolutely. For some managers, the experience answer is easier than providing candid feedback on why an employee is not ready for the next step. You need to be prepared to have a constructive conversation and be open to hearing any areas of opportunity you may have if you plan to broach this topic.
Until Next Week,
—The BWH Advice Gurus
Asking for a Friend is Babes Who Hustle's weekly advice column that asks and answers the work-related questions on all of our minds.
Looking for advice and guidance? Hit us with all of your workplace-related questions below and stay tuned for next Wednesday's edition!