Asking For a Friend | Chapter 71
Advice from Babe to Babe
“Skating on thin ice.” “Walking on eggshells.” There are a hundred idioms to describe that feeling of treading very, very carefully around a subject (or person, for that matter). When work is involved, the stakes can get even higher. This week, the gurus consider two scenarios where it’s all about making the right move—as delicately as possible.
I would start by asking yourself why you are seeking a job change. If it is for reasons outside of your professional control—such as wanting or needing to relocate for personal reasons—then no reasonable employer can fault you for that, as long as you’re transparent and give them a fair timeline. If you’re looking to make a job change for professional reasons—such as upward mobility, a better position or title, more pay, or benefits—I might ask why you haven’t considered talking to your current employer about working together to get you there before looking to jump ship. Another possibility is interpersonal issues with team, coworkers, or your direct report him/herself; there are avenues to deal with those as well. Regardless of your reasoning, no reasonable employer can be upset with you if you communicate your intentions and give them a chance to work with you.
Long story short, if you leave your current employer on bad terms or leave them hanging in a bad spot, then you have to realize that reputation could follow you, especially in a tight-knit industry. If solving these problems or helping you get where you want to go is simply not on the table where you are, doing what’s best for your growth can’t be construed as bridge-burning, regardless of who talks to whom.
I'm always an advocate for having the tough conversations with your boss (or company) from the beginning. Start with your current employer and let them know what you're looking for, job-change-wise. Kick off conversations by letting them know you want to be as honest and upfront with them as possible. If they can support the job change internally, you'll have options to choose from (and negotiating leverage if you still decided to look externally). If they cannot support you, then let them know you will be networking for what opportunities may be out there. Tell them that you want to respect the opportunities they've given you, but that personal reasons have you looking for new roles.
They may not like it, but they should be able to respect the fact that you came to them first. Let them know you want to work with them on a transition strategy and make the transition as smooth as possible. Calling out the fact that you’re being transparent and collaborative from the beginning—and having that hard conversation upfront—should help when you start looking. You also want to be in a good spot when the inevitable request to "contact your current employer" comes up. Think about the reputation you want to have in the industry, long-term (especially if you're staying in it). Thinking about the professional brand you want to have going forward (if/when you look again) should help you look at this scenario a little bit differently.
I am not someone who thinks it's a good idea to be candid with your employer when you begin to look for another job. While some bosses and companies are wonderful, the bottom line is that it's business. They have an obligation to the company, their clients, and their other employees to ensure continued success, and that means making sure your position is filled. Most will begin searching for your replacement when they learn you're looking, and that's totally fair. What it may mean, though, is that they hire your replacement before you've found your next job.
Without knowing your industry or your city, it's hard to give specific advice, however, I think you making a change is possible. If you can do some networking and have some conversations before you go applying and sending resumes, that may help you be more discreet in your search. I have also told a prospective employer I wasn't comfortable with them calling my current employer until they'd offered me a job. That offer was contingent upon a good recommendation from my current employer, but I gave her other people to talk to before she offered me anything.
Let me fill you in on a little secret: If you were invited to the meeting, your opinion is wanted, so get out of your own head! Now, some tough love: If you don't share your opinions, you will probably stay at the bottom of the totem pole.
Now, for logistics: If your team or company follows a stricter style of meeting, there is likely a time for open discussion; that is your time to shine. If your team or company has more free-flowing meetings where everyone contributes, then your time to speak up is anytime you’re not interrupting someone else. If you have an idea that doesn’t yet get discussed formally, set the meeting yourself.
To be completely honest, this sounds a lot like imposter syndrome and hits super close to home; I get it. For me, the real (and often inconvenient) answer to this situation is to do some personal work on insecurities and braving the challenge of learning to be vulnerable, while still being professional in hard situations. Brené Brown is my favorite expert, author, and speaker on this topic. I'd recommend her work (starting with "Daring Greatly") to help you find the best way to feel how you want to feel when these things come up.
If it truly is your work environment (not your insecurities), then it might be worth having a pragmatic, yet assertive conversation with your manager about your perceptions and work to resolve them together. If you need support, find someone in your office who can be a good advocate for you and see if they can help you professionally confront your team. Unfortunately, both options will require some self-reflection and extra courage on your part, but you're already more than halfway there by posing this question in the first place (go you!)
Is there anyone on your team you can talk to about this? Perhaps the person just above you, the one who used to be the new girl? She might be able to offer some feedback about how the department works (or personalities on the team) that will help you figure out how to best time your input so it's taken as helpful. (Also, I don't think you should ever feel guilty about trying to bring value.)
Meanwhile, there’s a good chance your manager is sitting there thinking, I hired her for her good ideas; how can I motivate her to speak up? (I’m saying that as a manager.) As yourself whether members of your team actually are responding negatively, or whether you feel insecure about your position and fear them responding negatively. If it’s the former, have a conversation with those people. If it’s the latter, have a (harder) conversation with yourself.
Until Next Week,
—The BWH Advice Gurus
Asking for a Friend is Babes Who Hustle's weekly advice column that asks and answers the work-related questions on all of our minds.
Looking for advice and guidance? Hit us with all of your workplace-related questions below and stay tuned for next Wednesday's edition!
