Asking For a Friend | Chapter 76
Advice from Babe to Babe
It’s hard enough to keep a relationship #thriving when you’re both working office jobs. You come home physically tired from a lack of sleep and emotionally tired from office politics; you do your best to make dinner but you burn the rice and realize the chicken is still in the freezer, so you order a pizza and call it good; and even though you both sit down with the intention of finally watching all of “Moonlight” on Netflix, you’re both asleep on the couch before the end of the first act.
So, that’s “normal” life. Now, take that scenario of strained quality time and add in the very real reality of working a completely opposite shift from your partner. Maybe you work in a boutique and they’re an overnight security guard, or you’re a swing shift nurse with a partner who works East Coast hours on the West Coast. Or, you could be today’s question-asker, who whips up delicacies in the kitchen but struggles to find the ingredients for a thriving relationship. If you’re in the same situation, the gurus offer some tips for making your relationship work—even when your schedules don’t.
Opposite schedules are no fun, but know you’re not alone. Finding other people in your industry who balance their schedules with a partner can be helpful to vent to and get advice. When you find the same time off with your boyfriend, make it a priority to spend most of that time just the two of you. Plan out fun activities as much as you can in advance, so you both can look forward to the time alone. Know each other’s love languages and know what you both can do to surprise each other during your time apart, whether that’s through cards, sweet texts, surprise visits to each other’s jobs, etc.
When you don’t have the luxury of being on the same schedule, it’s important that you carve out time to be present with each other. Whether that means you wake up early to eat breakfast with him before he goes to work, or you talk on the phone when you’re on your way to work and he’s just getting home, having a routine will give you the chance to prioritize each other.
When my partner and I travel, we always make sure to call each other before bed—even if it wakes one of us up, it’s worth it just to have 10 minutes to hear about the other person’s day. Or maybe it’s just leaving each other a little love note before someone gets up or goes to bed; something to show that you’re thinking of one another. Those really small things do add up, and it’ll make you all the more grateful to spend time with each other when you do get the chance.
Prioritize the hours you do have together. I work from 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. and my husband works from 9:00 p.m. to 6:00 a.m. We make an effort to have breakfast together and always make and have dinner together, since that’s when we’re home together. See where your schedules overlap, and if it’s only at night, plan a special date night for the weekend (even if it’s playing Nintendo Switch at home) to give you something in common to look forward to.
Writing in as the wife of a chef, who I’ve now been with for about five years. And first, I want to honor: this is tough! It’s something my partner and I still work at. But, a few tips: (1) Have you ever looked at each of your primary love languages? If not, Google it and take the free quiz. And then, make intentional steps to start showing each other you care in the ways you each need to receive it. Example: my husband’s number-one love language is words of affirmation. So, I’ll leave notes or send texts throughout the day/night to tell him how much I love and appreciate him. Mine is receiving gifts and acts of service, so my husband will bring me flowers or clean the house. Even if we’re not together, we still feel connected. If quality time is a big one for either of you, then work with what you’ve got and go to step two.
(2) Get creative with your hang time. Can you and he meet for lunch dates before you go to work during his lunch hour? Can you re-work your schedule to have more weeknights available to grab dinner or have a date night with him? Are there any days where it would work with your sleep schedule to wake up and have coffee with him before work? Sometimes in relationships we can buy into an all-or-nothing concept. (Like, I’m either with them hanging out every night or it’s worthless.) And that’s simply false. Find consistent pockets of time to spend together, and then be really present when you’re together.
Best of luck—and know that it totally can work!
Until Next Week,
—The BWH Advice Gurus
Asking for a Friend is Babes Who Hustle's weekly advice column that asks and answers the work-related questions on all of our minds.
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