Asking For a Friend | Chapter 77
Advice from Babe to Babe
You don’t need us to tell you that your partner’s mood will rub off on you. But when you really, truly love someone, their career, in a way, becomes yours as well. And that means when their career disappears, due to a layoff, a termination, a relocation, or a resignation, the stress that comes from a fruitless job search will no doubt worm its way into your relationship.
Today, the gurus tackle one reader’s dilemma: how to help when you feel completely out of control.
It can be so tricky when your partner starts to beat themselves up. Whether it’s from a job loss or a weight gain or hint of imposter syndrome, their view of themselves has shifted. While your instinct may be to shower them with compliments or smother them attention, it’s important to take a step back, give them some breathing room, and encourage them to take action. Get them a gift card to their favorite coffee shop so they can jam out on some job applications. Offer to watch the kid for a few hours while they go to the gym or go to a networking event. Sometimes the best way to be supportive is to just give them the resources they need to dig themselves out of the hole they’re in.
Honesty, honesty, honesty. I had to learn the hard way that not being honest and upfront about how their attitude is affecting your relationship will only make it worse in the long run. It's how you approach it that's important. Choose a good moment and set the scene. "I need to have an honest conversation with you." And let them know how you feel using “I” statements—don't judge or blame. Let them know you’re supportive and will help them in any way they can. My husband took my sending him job recommendations and talking about it as pushy and aggressive, rather than helpful, so ask them how they need you to show up for them—and then follow through. There are a lot of emotions that come with not having employment that extend beyond just not having a job, so give them some grace and patience, but don't sacrifice your feelings either. If you can, do something that completely distracts from the issue to find some ways to reconnect. It's a tough time, but you both will get through it.
I think it’s important to consider how much Western culture prioritizes our employment as the source of our sense of self-worth. Five months is an awfully long time to be unemployed (or gainfully employed) when you’re actively seeking employment, and that type of distance from fulfilling work can be emotionally exhausting—for your partner, and for you. It’s no surprise they’re feeling discouraged.
The best thing you can do here is engage them in conversation and communication. I know, I know, “communication is key” is such an old trope. Everyone says it. But everyone says it because it’s true. Don’t try to fix things for them (because, you know—you can’t), don’t even try to cheer them up. First, seek to listen and understand how they feel and why they’re feeling that way. Are they feeling lost without a routine? Do they miss the intellectual stimulation? Do they feel shame about not contributing financially? Only once you know the root cause of their emotions can you even think about how you could help—and only once they ask (or you offer, and they accept) should you try.
Be there. Be you. Be whatever it is they need.
Until Next Week,
—The BWH Advice Gurus
Asking for a Friend is Babes Who Hustle's weekly advice column that asks and answers the work-related questions on all of our minds.
Looking for advice and guidance? Hit us with all of your workplace-related questions below and stay tuned for next Wednesday's edition!
