by Krystina Wales

Before the time of COVID-19 (or, as I am calling it, 2020 BC), I bought into all the traditionalist, career-centric norms. A hard day’s work was one spent chained to a desk for at least eight hours—more, if you were dedicated—planning and strategizing far in advance to be ahead of the game.

I denied wanting to stay at home with my two daughters, deflecting the responsibility onto my naturally caretaking husband who lived into his calling, jumping at the chance to parent full-time. I pandered about needing space, productivity, adult interaction and purpose, as if being away from our home catered to those needs. And then, a microscopic virus shattered my view of myself and what I really wanted—and need—from my life.

Learning to work from home was difficult, especially during a global pandemic where stay-at-home orders were mandatory. I work for a hospital in support of frontline employees, and my gut reaction at being able to work from home was temporary relief at being able to control my own health and safety, as well as actively protect my family. Being able to establish this baseline of physical safety overroad my fears of working from home: being ostracized from my community, detaching from the idea of a physical and mental break from myfamily, and being perceived as equally productive, valued, and dedicated by my employer.

At least, initially. As the days set in and the current situation became my new reality, it became difficult to wrap my head around everything. I cried. I missed my mom. I mourned the loss of a life I had which, at the time, I thought was filled with productivity and meaning. I couldn’t yet find it in this new life we all were forced to live in.

But Mark Manson brought up a good point about change acceleration, the idea that something is already one way and when a catalyst is introduced, all it does is accelerate a process that was guaranteed to come to fruition anyway. The concept of working from home was already becoming the norm in some situations and for some companies. It was more difficult to get legacy companies with more traditional cultures to adapt to this new paradigm because they couldn’t see the benefits unless they tried, and they were unwilling to make the change. If it ain’t broke…

Working from home has now been all but forced upon many organizations and the outcomes can’t be ignored. Employees are just as productive (if not more so), they thrive on flexibility, and it allows them to thrive on their own schedule. Saving money and time on commutes for employees as well as office space and rents for employers is another huge draw. This pandemic could completely and permanently shift how people work.

The same change acceleration happened to me in a visceral way. Ever since having my children I struggled between wanting to excel professionally, spend more time with them, and continue to talk to my friends. And then everyone was always on me about self-care. Who had the time? I got zero comfort from the notion that “You can’t do it all, and that’s OK.” It was very much not OK. I wanted all of these things so desperately but couldn’t figure out how to make it work. If there is a silver lining for me among all the havoc, stress, anxiety, and trauma COVID-19 has caused, it’s that working from home is something I desperately needed to feel connected to my children and productive at the same time.

It was the little things that slowly started to chip away at my armor. Watching my 2-year-old sit at her desk, typing away at a makeshift computer and picking up her plastic cell phone so she could work like Mama. The few short moments before my 8-month-old goes down for a nap where she nestles into my neck. Getting to kiss my husband in the morning, him refilling my coffee. I traded in microwaved overnight oats for making them fresh in the pot, my 2-year-old by my side. I traded writing with coworker interruptions to writing with toddler interruptions, blocking out landline rings and colleague yells for “Daniel Tiger” and snack demands.

It’s different and new, but feels right. I have spent so much time since having my first child trying to separate my life as a mom with my life as a professional, working twice as hard to prove nothing had changed when everything had. I was miserable trying to balance an impossible load, trying to tear myself into pieces and still be whole when I arrived. It’s clear to me now I have been paying lip service to my values. I was letting difficulties push me down instead of looking for the personal growth underneath. I was letting my situation dictate my values instead of the other way around. I came home in more ways than one that first day. One thing I know I will take away from this time in our world’s history is that when the noise of everyday life is taken away from you, you only have yourself to listen to.

Krystina spends her days in donor engagement and communication for a healthcare organization in Baltimore, which she considers the best job in fundraising, and she is also deeply committed to volunteering in Baltimore City. But her favorite roles are wife and mom. When she is not adventuring with her two daughters, she is in perpetual search of a really good cup (read: pot) of coffee or mastering her life goal of crafting the perfect charcuterie board.