Am I Too Soft to be a Leader?
by Brittany Chaffee
Women live navigating a double-edged sword, especially in the workplace. The increasing presence and threat of women in the professional sphere holds the weight of debate; the two sharp sides: How do we fit in the workplace without disrupting the patriarchy?
I’ve heard so many stories about how women, on track for a raise or promotion, are told by a male executive that they are “too aggressive.” In the review, they are advised to be “less aggressive but still assertive.” They are too bold in meetings. They speak their mind and “offend” certain persons in the office. They don’t get the promotion. They don’t get the raise. Strong will is an end-all.
So, what is someone supposed to do with that feedback? Practice epic politeness? Pursue her interests less forcefully, with a merciless demure? Aggression and assertiveness aren’t that different in the dictionary. Assertiveness is confident, absolute, and demanding. Aggression is combative, invading, and warlike. Why does “aggressive” have to be the way we describe women, when they are being assertive in the first place?
An article in the Harvard Business Review looked at 200 performance reviews within one company. The results measured the number of references to being “too aggressive” in the reviews and, not surprisingly, 76 percent of the instances were attributed to women. Only 24 percent of men were identified as having such a communication style. Women own aggression. Men own assertion.
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So, as you can imagine, it was strange for me when I was asked (by a man) in a recent yearly review to be “a more aggressive leader.” Instantly, I took offense. Being “unaggressive” suddenly meant I wasn’t a go-getter, as if I didn’t have a mind of my own. I was a pushover. I wasn’t assertive. I had spent my life priding myself on my softness and empathy, how deeply internal I could be. A note in my phone is dedicated to this single sentence: If you want to be a good leader, be gentle. Everything I’d ever learned about aggression vs. assertion flipped itself back on its head. Excuse me. Come again?
At the time, I was leading a small marketing team. We were productive. We worked hard to meet business and marketing goals. We were scrappy. The few articles I found about leadership styles being “too soft” stressed that overly soft leaders were too focused on making people happy. Soft leadership didn’t get sh*t done. But I didn’t feel that productivity, meeting business goals, and efficiency were the problem with my team. The review was full of praise in that department. Why did I need to add aggression to the mix? More importantly, is there any happy medium of aggression in the workplace for women? Do we have to be either too soft or too hard? That doesn’t seem fair.
I spent days thinking about the review. What was that fine line? And more importantly, it didn’t seem right that there had to be one. Couldn’t I be strong without being aggressive? Couldn’t women that were aggressive be effective leaders without going rotten like an old fruit? More troubling, if I started to become a more aggressive leader, would I be turn-tabeld in my next review?
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While I was frustrated by the double standard clearly set for women, I needed to recognize what worked for me in the workplace and stick with it (without stifling who I really am). Women who are aggressive leaders do not need to apologize for being that way. And women, like me, who are more soft-spoken can be themselves with colossal candor.
My softness is not a direct mirror of my work ethic. I am a hard worker, nearly to a fault. I rarely take vacation days and spend most of my nights freelance writing. Instead of being accused of not being “too aggressive,” I thought I would funnel all of my energy into being all of the things assertion defines: confident, absolute, firm, and positive.
I started by writing down some personal assertion goals: First, I would share my winnings often in work settings. I started putting together monthly long-winded reports on the work I was doing to prove my success and present to other colleagues. I started voicing out timelines in meetings to prove I was reliable and confident and could get something done within time frame. I didn’t make commitments unless I was sure I could get the job done. I also made a personal goal to, if I ever felt attacked for my work, have a conversation directly.
I started making bold, meaningful boundaries. I took a bit of advice from the queen of vulnerability, Brene Brown, who said, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” This quote is just as meaningful at work as it is at home. I can lay my limits out clearly, focus on the concrete, communicate with structure (agendas, expectations, questions etc.), and lead the way.
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It’s often so easy to take the advice we receive in our personal lives and fail to transfer them into our professional lives. Even if I am asked to be “more aggressive,” I’m not saying my quiet demeanor or easy-going personality has to be diminished in any way. I don’t think anyone should change for a job, especially if they have their best intentions in mind and a deep sense of humility.
I’m not too soft to be a leader. I take care of myself and the people around me. I’m bold. I have boundaries. I need to take whatever makes me feel strong in my personal life and make it happen professionally. I know it’s not that easy and I know women have to work harder. But, our careers are worth it. We are worth it.
Brittany Chaffee is a writer and author living in St. Paul, Minnesota. On the daily, you can find her working in marketing. On the nightly, she enjoys reading, concerts, going on long walks and horseback riding. Her writing has been seen in the Star Tribune, Artful Living, Girlboss, City Pages, Wit & Delight and Make Minnesota. Her two books, “Wild Morning” and “Borderline” are available via her website. Follow her on Instagram @BrittanyChaffee
