Grief in the Time of COVID-19
By Hillary Kirtland
On Sunday, April 5, 2020, I received the news via somber phone call that my beloved Grandfather had passed away. It was three weeks into mandatory shelter-in-place and social distancing orders that I was experiencing a debilitating loss of a loved one. In the time of remaining 6ft apart, restricted travel, and everyone going through their own challenges, my grief was an omnipresent weight. Now I simply continue to carry it, while I await the day that I may be able to find some semblance of closure.
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Weeks went by where my emotions spontaneously appeared randomly along the grief cycle. Day one was a seemingly all-consuming depression. Day five to fourteen were anger. Somewhere after that, I experienced bargaining before going all the way back to denial. I have not yet felt acceptance of this loss, because it has yet to be a true reality. I have not been home, because the pandemic makes a 6-hour flight across the country unsafe for someone with asthma. We have not had any kind of ceremony, because all who would attend are immunocompromised or in a high-risk age range. The closure I expected to be able to reach is undeniably tied to the closure of our homes, schools, and offices (rightly so), but it means that I will be in this limbo for a very long time.
This experience made me realize that the Global Pandemic has created a breeding ground for loss. There are many types, and there are other people—like me—who do not follow the cycle for processing sequentially. In a time of lockdowns, isolation, re-openings, and re-closures, our feelings may be very different than we think they should be, and last longer than we want them to. We may not even recognize it (or ourselves) at first. However, we cannot begin to heal from any loss until we give it a name, recognize it for what it is, and do our best to support each other through it.
The following are just a few examples of loss that I’ve seen as a result of COVID-19:
Loss of Control
It would be tone deaf to not mention the current social climate where many people are experiencing the loss of Black lives from unforgivable violence. It’s devastating, painful, and unfortunately an undeniable reality. We’re also watching immigrants fight an uphill battle for their own security—even if they are here legally. We’re now living in a time where too many people are fighting for their lives, both inside and out of the ICU. Much of our personal comfort comes from expectations of fairness and the thought that we have at least a semi-predictable future, but the reality is that many have been facing this type of grief and loss for years. With the current undeniable waves of unfairness, injustice and lack of control, so many people are grieving the world they once thought they knew.
Loss of Connections
Our neighborhoods look empty, our loved ones remain only available on-screen or just out of reach, and all the things that we tied our self-worth and value to have been ripped away faster than you can say “social distancing.” You might be grieving the time you spent in a league with your teammates; the value you gained from coordinating get-togethers; or someone in the hospital with the virus. We are nothing, if we are not social creatures; connection is everything to our survival. Throughout this crisis we have collectively felt a loss of community, family, and self. Much of our self-esteem, worth, and value is tied to our social bonds. The loss of those connections reverberates through us the same way a bad break-up does.
Loss of Expectations
High school milestones, college semesters, travel, internship opportunities, jobs, promotions, and many others are pivotal life experiences during our most formative years (and beyond). The Coronavirus brought with it the reality that everything we expected—and even looked forward to—from graduation to earning an income, is now completely uncertain. You might be grieving the loss of your high school prom, your job, your industry, or the opportunity to travel for any reason. So much of what we “should have had” is no longer an option for the foreseeable future—and letting that go is hard. So much of our identity is tied to our experience in education, work, and life. This crisis will force us to re-imagine who we are and what our place is in this new world. Until we figure that out, we will grieve the loss of the people we used to be and the lives we used to—or were “supposed to”—have.
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The experience of loss is as unique to each person as a fingerprint, and no solution is one-size-fits-all. Grief will look different for everyone in this time, and I can only hope that as few people as possible are experiencing the loss of a loved one like I am. If you are, know that there is no right way to process, and however you are doing so is OK. The global pandemic has made loss of life too much of a regular occurrence, and many lives have been reduced to record-breaking statistics on the news. It’s ok to feel those losses deeply, too.
Whatever you are grieving in this time, and whatever loss you are experiencing while the world debates re-opening, do your best to give yourself permission and grace to miss the aspects of what was your “normal” life. Grieve that life, and reflect on who you will be going forward.
Whatever you do, don’t forget to wear your mask, maintain social distancing, and wash your hands. Maybe—just maybe—we can then reduce our time to gaining closure, together.
Hillary works as a Senior Strategy Consultant at IBM. She found her passion for her new job in the two years she took off work to pursue a full-time, Global MBA degree at George Washington University in Washington DC. She is driven by her constant curiosity and her truest love is for travel and adventure. Having moved to California in early 2019, outside work you can find her planning her next trip, exploring her local beaches, reading a book, or wandering along a new hiking trail.
