Jessica Kennedy

I’m a chronic job-jumper. Eight to 12 months into a new position, I become the cartoon person handcuffed to a desk, watching the clock of my life tick, tick, tick away on the wall. But when such a time arrived early last year and I felt ready for a change, I thought I could solve the problem by jumping into self-employment. You can’t be shackled to a desk you create yourself, right?

Shortly after I made the leap, an old colleague (who now runs her own business) posted on Facebook saying, “My shitty boss hasn’t given me any sick days, so instead of resting I’m creating some digital ads.” Around the same time, another woman told me she was the worst boss she’d ever had. Despite the warning signs, I didn’t think that would happen to me; I was self-aware, and I would thrive as soon as I left the job that drained me.

You can imagine what happened next. In an effort to keep myself afloat in my new self-employment, I said yes to literally every request I got. I did the things I hated in my old job: I planned an event, wrote uninteresting Facebook posts, and took on random admin hours for a less-than-livable wage. I people-pleased my way through every client meeting, billed for fewer hours than I should have, and somehow ended up with a new job that looked a whole lot like the one I had left.

Cue the crisis. Self-employment had been my dream since graduating from college. I imagined I’d spend a handful of years putting in my time at “real jobs” and then strike out on my own. Yet here I was, cycling through my all-too-familiar anxiety games just like I had for the past five years. The common denominator? That “shitty boss” I took with me from job to job—me.

Some of it wasn’t my fault; capitalism, sexism, a culture that rewards people-pleasing. But much of the problem came down to my own baggage begging to be uncovered and rewired. I had turned to therapy in the midst of other life changes, so returning was my first move in this upheaval. Around the same time I started working with a therapist, I found an amazing psychic (who works as a spiritual guide), too. Here’s what I’ve learned in working with both of them.

(1) A strong foundation is necessary—and you have to build it yourself

Self-care is such a buzzword these days, but it’s the root of this lesson. A good friend often reminds me, “You have to shine your own lantern before you can share your light.” Working with my therapist and my spiritual guide, I started to see that I seek a lot of emotional support and affirmation from partners and jobs. “If your mind isn’t dive-bombing you from the inside, you won’t do that,” my spiritual guide told me.

My mind was definitely “dive-bombing” me. My faith in myself was shaky at best and it was causing all sorts of problems. I had suffered from burnout and anxiety about work for years, and I discovered part of me believed I wasn’t worthy of overcoming it. Without first building a better foundation, there was no way out of the cycle.

My therapist and spiritual guide both recommended I try to treat myself like a small child. There’s a gentleness we use with kids we don’t often use with ourselves. Building my self-care practice around myself as if I was a child under my own care was something I could understand and implement. The practice of reparenting is ever-growing in popularity, but seeing myself as a little girl really helped me build practices into my daily life that support me emotionally, physically and mentally.

(2) You can train your brain to be more resilient

After five minutes in meditation, you feel more relaxed. After 10 minutes, you can actually start rewiring your neural patterns and change your brain patterns so you’re better able to face whatever comes up at work or at home.

I pushed back against meditation for years, but I found (once I finally started) that it makes me a better person. I’m able to show up for people I love, and I deliver better, more heartfelt work for my clients. I commit to five minutes a day (but aim for 10 if I can).

My therapist also recommended “making an appointment with my thoughts” when they spiral at inopportune times. I say to my thoughts: “Thanks for being here, but now is not the right time. Let’s talk about this at 8 a.m. tomorrow.” The key? Always keep the appointment. Merely shifting your attention to something else in the meantime can do wonders for minor anxiety.

(3) It’s not your job to make people happy (in fact, it’s not even possible)

As a Type Two on the Enneagram and a lifelong people-pleaser, this one hit hard. “It’s your job to be responsive to them,” my therapist said, “but not to make them happy.”

She was able to shift my perspective and help me realize that by spending time trying to make other people happy, I was enabling them and keeping them from making themselves happy. “Hold them capable,” she said to me again and again, often accompanied with EFT tapping so it could really sink in. It may be possible to make people happy in the short-term, but you have no control over their long-term happiness.

What do you actually have control over? Your happiness. Since I’ve shifted my focus from making other people happy to keeping myself happy, I spend a lot less time getting trapped in projects I don’t want to do (and then half-assing them). When I look out for myself, we all win. I always keep this quote from my spiritual guide in mind: “Happy people treat people well.”

(4) We’re all doing the best we can with what we have in the moment

In every job I’ve ever had, I complained about toxic coworkers, impossible projects, unethical behavior, and people being “out to get me.” So, when my therapist told me this, I immediately pushed back: “I’ve worked with people who just aren’t good people,” I told her.

But as I said it, I realized how ridiculous it sounded. “If there was a better way for someone to do something, they’d do it,” she told me. I was able to start to let go of the blame I had for everyone and start to accept they had been doing the best they could with what they had at that time. And if they were all deserving of that grace and acceptance, so was I.

(5) Your emotions are downstream from your thoughts

While my therapist quotes medical studies, my spiritual guide is a bit more like a life coach. One of my favorite metaphors she shared was: “If your thoughts are poop, you’ve poisoned the river. It washes right down to your emotions.” We worked together in sessions to dismantle these thoughts that weren’t serving me. In their place, we worked on envisioning my future (you might have heard of manifesting). What would it feel like? What would it look like? My spiritual guide says, “You have to order what you want from the server called the universe.” Saying what I want—and truly focusing on it—has left me feeling less hopeless and more in control of where I take my career.

Working with an amazing therapist for nine months and a supportive spiritual guide for six months has changed how I see everything in my life. I sought help for my struggles with work, but the benefits have crossed over into my relationships with family, friends and partners, and the way I see myself overall.

Diving into this work may be a lifelong process, but what I’ve gained already is worth every penny I’ve put into it.

Jessica Kennedy is a freelance digital marketer based in Mammoth Lakes, CA. She gave up on what society told her the American Dream was to pursue her mountain dream in the Eastern Sierra. When she's not working, she's getting up close and personal with her fears while rock climbing, skiing or horseback riding. She believes everyone should have a therapist.