by Kristen Miller 

A year ago, I started over.

I had been working steadily ever since I graduated from college—even all through grad school. I’d had some really cool jobs (going to the Kentucky Derby with the governor was a pretty cool way to earn a paycheck), some really awful jobs (oh hey there, bankruptcy), and some that managed to be incredibly difficult but incredibly rewarding at the same time. In my mind, I should have been sliding into that “I’ve got this” phase of my career.

But I wasn’t. Instead, I was reevaluating everything—who I was, what I wanted to do with the rest of my career, whether I was achieving my true potential. I was in a bit of a professional spin. And whenever I admitted it to someone else, inevitably it led to this question:

“Do you have a mentor to talk to about it?”

Well, of course. I have Sheryl Sandberg on speed dial. It’s just so much more fulfilling talking about it with you.

All sarcasm aside, I know those people were trying to be helpful. And if the tables were turned, I’d be willing to bet none of them were particularly flush in the mentor department either—they’ve just read a feed full of LinkedIn articles telling you that having a good mentor is like having the keys to the kingdom. Having someone in your corner giving you great career guidance and helping to open up doors sounds pretty fantastic, but how many of us really have that person in our professional lives?

Looking for a mentor in a haystack

There are simply fewer women in workforce leadership positions. As The New York Times Glass Ceiling Index points out, more large American companies are run by men named John than by women. Research conducted by the Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University showed that 50 percent (or more) of the women graduating from top-tier MBA programs would likely leave the workforce within the decade. Women continue to make just 79 cents on each dollar men make, and put in almost 100 eight-hour days each year doing unpaid work. It all combines to make leaving the traditional nine-to-five grind look more attractive as women progress through their careers.

Plus, women seem to be more reluctant to take on a mentorship role—and not for the reasons you may think. While it’s true that women experience age discrimination in the workplace at a far higher rate than men, we aren’t afraid of the competition from our younger counterparts. In fact, being a mentor to a younger employee could actually be beneficial to your career. Instead, women hesitate to mentor others because they don’t think they have enough time (or more importantly, don’t feel they have enough expertise).

All of this means finding a mentor (particularly a female one) is complicated. Lots of people are ready to give you helpful advice on how to find a professional mentor, most of which seems to boil down to, “just ask someone.” But this advice is only helpful if you’re surrounded by potential mentor candidates. While that might be helpful in theory, I have a few other tips that might come in handy.

(1) Know what you’re looking for

Before you start your search, think about what the ideal mentor-mentee relationship looks like for you. Maybe you’re good with occasional meetups over coffee, or maybe you have so much you want to talk about that you need in-depth weekly counseling lunches. Maybe you want someone willing to respond to frantic “Wait, why am I doing this again?!” texts after business hours. Maybe you think having a mentor should be like auditioning a new best friend. Whatever your expectations, make sure you’re clear about what you need from the beginning so you don’t waste your time chasing after an ultimately unfulfilling situation.

(2) Mentors are everywhere

This notion that there’s one perfect mentor out there for you is outdated, and frankly, likely to result in disappointment. No one person is going to have all of the qualities you’re looking for in the ideal career guide. Instead, maybe a collective of mini-mentors is all you need.

For example, I have a friend I consider my mentor of fierce loyalty and dogged determination. We don’t have similar jobs, nor do we work in the same industry. But when I’m thinking about an insurmountable project or wavering about a commitment, I think of her. I also have a mentor at the gym. This tough-as-nails lady with snow-white hair that can out-deadlift anybody. I have a mentor in doing what you love; a woman who took one of her hobbies and used it to create a social organization for women and write a book. I even have mentors for what not to do, like someone I know who insists she’s not a micromanager but will absolutely, one-hundred-percent just do this for you right now because you don’t really seem to know how to do it the way it needs to be done, so let me just take care of that, thanks. I haven’t asked any of these people to be my mentor, and chances are they don’t know I see them that way, but I lean on the examples they’ve set for me all the time.

(3) Network, your way

The way I see it, there are two types of people in this world: those who are great at walking up to stone-cold strangers and starting a conversation, and those of us who are not psychopaths.

I’m kidding! There are also psychopaths who aren’t good at networking. Regardless, for many of us there is just not one single thing that’s even remotely comfortable about introducing ourselves to strangers and engaging in small talk. Unfortunately, that’s also a time-tested method of actually meeting new and interesting people, so it’s often a necessary evil when you’re seeking out a new mentor. But just because you’re networking doesn’t mean you can’t do it your way.

Networking still counts even if it happens while you’re doing something you already enjoy. So if the notion of coming out from behind your phone at a professional event and talking to people you don’t know makes you want to crawl into a hole, take it a little easier on yourself. Start off slow by meeting people who enjoy doing the same things you do. Love to read? Join a book club. Like to drink wine? Start going to wine tastings. If you’re doing something you like to do, it will be easier for you to open up a conversation with someone else who shares that same interest. And you never know who that woman is 10 feet away from you in your tango lessons. She could be a judge or an engineer or a doctor or the CEO of her own startup company. Bonding over an activity you both enjoy will be a great lead-in for asking for professional advice down the road.

(4) Be ready to give back

Once you do find the mentor of your dreams, start thinking about how you can be that person for someone else. We all have important advice we can pass on, and it’s time we stop doubting ourselves and telling ourselves our experience isn’t enough. We’ll never address the shortage of female mentors until more of us are willing to step up and share our stories, and there will be fewer women available to do that for others in the future if we don’t show them the ropes now.

Be proud of the path you’ve taken and don’t hesitate to talk to others about what you’ve learned from your experiences. As it turns out, you don’t have to be Sheryl Sandberg to give advice that truly matters. Wherever you are in your career, however you’ve gotten to where you are, your knowledge will surely make you rose-worthy to someone else who needs your help. 

Kristen is a management, legal, communications and public relations consultant for Well-Red Consulting and Creative, her new main hustle after several unfulfilling years as an attorney. A native of Louisville, KY, she owns way too many Kentucky Derby hats for someone who is super-allergic to horses. She is an anxious traveler, a bourbon lover, a college sports fan and a music snob. Check out her random musings on Instagram at @kmillerwku.