by Krystina Wales

I figured out the magic secret of success. I know, right? I, like you, have looked at other, more accomplished individuals and thought to myself, “What are they doing that I’m not doing? What combination of grit, commitment, charisma and skill am I missing that puts me at a rank below them? What step in the elixir of success did I miss in my own life experiment?”

Sure, we make excuses for why someone is ahead of the game. They had more opportunity, an easier road, so to speak. They went to the right school, met the right people, had family money that funded their dream. 

Or maybe it was just pure luck. They had a good idea at the right time or happened to run into this person who knew that person who got them in the door and then that other person happened to retire and there they are, not-quite-30, in the corner office.

There is some guilt that accompanies that jealousy, right? We should be supporting other women, not developing reasons to make that kind of success justifiably out of our reach. It is the fear that holds us back. The insecurity we hold about our place in the world as women, and also the historic systems that have told us it is not available for you.

But fear not, my friends. There is room for everyone and I am here to share—exclusively with Babes Who Hustle readers—the magic secret to success. Ready?

Success is utter. fucking. bullshit.

Here is the real secret. If someone tells you they don’t have imposter syndrome, they’re lying. If someone tells you they know exactly how they got to where they are, they’re lying. If someone tells you there’s a formula to follow to start your own business, accelerate your career, lose those extra 10 pounds—girl, they are lying.

If COVID-19 has taught me anything, it’s that no one knows what the hell they’re doing—because when [insert your preferred idiom for when a critical point is reached], if you don’t have the skills required to manage through a crisis, you are toast. Crisis doesn’t care if you have a high salary or title or big role. It doesn’t care about your plans or your path. It cares if you have developed the tenacity, the flexibility and the resiliency to adapt and alter the course, to lead through adversity with kindness, empathy and strength.

Those skills aren’t ranked or even seen every day, but they matter in how you show up professionally and personally. It took a global pandemic for society to stop expecting so much from each other. You know what my measure of personal success was during maternity leave? Taking a shower every day. That’s it. And you know what? I wasn’t 100% successful.

Success is an arbitrary barometer we place on ourselves to give our lives personal and professional meaning—and there is nothing wrong with that. I love a good goal, but question, at the same time, what achieving that means. When you get there, what does that mean? What does success—by your definition—mean in the end?

I have always wanted to write a book, ever since I could write. Does it mean I am successful if I publish a NYT bestseller? What about if I publish a book and it lands me a full-time writing gig? What if it catapults me into writing 10 more books? What if I publish a book but no one reads it?

All of those things could be considered a success, depending on who is looking at my life. But how do each of those things make me feel at the end of the day? Am I happier than before? More financially safe? Am I a more resilient person because I read 75 rejections before I got the one yes? Am I more flexible because I found pockets in the day to write between meal-making and human-raising?

It’s not about the “thing” at the end. The learning, growing and accomplishment is in the doing—in the journey itself. Take the book example. Writers can be so focused on the end goal of having that book and putting it out into the world, that they don’t revel in the highs and lows of actually writing; the thrill you get when you find that right word, when your characters surprise you or when a point comes together.

People have been doing things the same way for a long time. And oftentimes, the expectation is that you follow the course to be successful or accepted. You are expected to put in the time, the grunt work, accept the criticism and the backlash because those who came before you endured the same thing. But if the current wave of the social justice movement has taught me anything, it’s that a lot of this traditional, homogeneous bullshit was put in place by groupthink, and developed, built and sustained by one kind of person.

And, guess what? That doesn’t make it right.

When my husband and I first moved in together, he put dishes in the dishwasher where they were not supposed to go. Everything was all over the place; nothing was in the right spot. It was the first time I realized there isn’t one way to do something that everyone is expected to follow.

When you’re done laughing at me, look at your professional situation and think of times when you did something or followed the rules because “we’ve always done it this way” and never questioned it.

Your definition of success might not even be your own.

People don’t achieve great things by following the rules. They buck the system. They think outside of the box. They go where others are too scared to go. They take a risk and a chance because something matters to them, deeply.

So, if you’re feeling stuck and in a general malaise about where you’re at professionally or personally (remove the fact that we are in a global pandemic because, hell, that shit is beating us all down), practice your values—no matter how they are being asked to manifest themselves. Remind yourself what’s important to you and why that should dictate all of your decisions and movements.

Don’t admire a successful women’s path by trying to replicate it. Admire it for how it served them, what it taught them and what they do with that knowledge now.

Krystina spends her days in donor engagement and communication for a healthcare organization in Baltimore, which she considers the best job in fundraising, and she is also deeply committed to volunteering in Baltimore City. But her favorite roles are wife and mom. When she is not adventuring with her two daughters, she is in perpetual search of a really good cup (read: pot) of coffee or mastering her life goal of crafting the perfect charcuterie board.