So, Your Boss Hates You
by Krystina Wales
In these uncertain times, it can feel like a privilege just to be gainfully employed. But comparative suffering is the thief of joy, and 2020 has brought enough challenges for our mental health to juggle without adding more to the mix.
A little bit of slack can be let out for managers dealing with stressful situations brought on by the pandemic or otherwise. But at some point, disagreements or value misalignments with your manager can cause a rupture in your work environment and make it challenging—and unfulfilling—to do your job.
Just like with parents, we don't get to pick our managers. And whether through a disagreement from the outset in your hiring process or a restructuring of roles, there are many reasons a relationship with your supervisor can turn sour.
It might be that your personalities don't align. Maybe their management style doesn't work for you, or the expectations aren't clear. It might have nothing to do with you and everything to do with added pressures your supervisor is being put under. Perhaps they don't have good coping mechanisms for their own stress.
Whatever the reason, a bad reporting relationship can kill productivity and make any dream job a nightmare. Consistently striving to meet expectations for someone who we know ultimately will not appreciate it can make the work feel inconsequential, devalued and unworthy.
Even though you might not have organizational power, you still have power over how you show up to work. There are things you can do to mitigate or solve the problem that, not only might make it easier in your day-to-day, but might also earn you respect with your boss.
(1) Try to get to the root of the problem
Is the problem as simple as your boss prefers the phone but you default to email? Are you presenting results to problems or projects that don't meet undefined expectations? Taking responsibility for getting clear on those things can make interactions with your supervisor more seamless. When they present you with a project, ask clarifying questions: What does success look like with this project? How would you like the final result to be presented? What are your expectations around how this information will be used?
I know there’s a fear that questions like these show a lack of initiative or innovation, but, at least in the beginning, it will be helpful to building trust between you and your supervisor—showing them that you care enough about the project to get it right.
(2) Find a mentor or ally in a different department
Find an ally in the organization—whether in the same department or a different one—who respects and values your work and contributions. Maybe the CIO will really value an outside perspective on that new app she’s building, or the head of Human Resources will appreciate your organization and event planning skills on the employee appreciation committee.
Sharing your skills in other areas of the organization will make you feel more closely connected to the organization, and not limit your value to your work and department alone. It will also show other important executives your value, and not only will they help your self-esteem on low days, they will also advocate for you when necessary.
(3) Make your work speak for itself
Sometimes it comes down to personality, and you and your supervisor just don't jive. Remember: you are not for everyone, and that's OK. Jobs don't pay you for your personality. They pay you for your output and your skills. So, at the very least, let the work speak for itself. Bring your 'A' game every day, double and triple check your work, and leave no room for criticism to the best of your ability. You will shine most effectively being consistent, effective and timely.
(4) Seek help if it goes too far
If the situation becomes toxic and untenable, don't be afraid to advocate for yourself and speak up. If your supervisor is being verbally abusive or actively discriminating against you in the workplace, go to your Human Resources department. You have rights as an employee to fair and equitable treatment. Know what those rights are. Document transgressions to present to HR, and don't let up until you see a resolution. It’s worth it for you, and the next employee, to weed out the toxicity.
Managers who don’t create cultures of trust and psychological safety can make work difficult and challenging, causing stress and burnout—no matter how much you enjoy the work itself. Knowing your values can keep you grounded and engaged in even the most chaotic situations.
Grace is needed in this season (and state of the world), but we also can’t table our expectations of feeling safe and valued at work. If anything, where we are in this moment has taught us all that the status quo wasn’t working for a lot of people. If we aren’t vocal about—or taking ownership of—what we need, we aren’t serving ourselves nor future women in the workplace.
Toxic management might be a simple misalignment of values, but it might also be an opportunity to change the power structure and expectations in your organization.
Don’t be afraid of what you need—and don’t be afraid to ask for it.
Krystina spends her days in donor engagement and communication for a healthcare organization in Baltimore, which she considers the best job in fundraising, and she is also deeply committed to volunteering in Baltimore City. But her favorite roles are wife and mom. When she is not adventuring with her two daughters, she is in perpetual search of a really good cup (read: pot) of coffee or mastering her life goal of crafting the perfect charcuterie board.
