Mom Guilt: Being the Breadwinner
Krystina Wales
I never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I desperately wanted children since I can remember, but it was never a question: I am not built to be the primary caretaker. But knowing that doesn’t make it easy, with challenges and outside judgements to prove it.
When my husband and I discussed having kids, it was important to both of us that one parent be home if we could justify it with finances. With the cost of daycare being what it is, spending one parent’s salary for someone else to raise a child was a personal choice we couldn’t live with. My husband was up for the task. He had recently completed a second degree in interior design when we got pregnant with our first child. The hospital foundation where I work offers flexibility, but I’m still expected to be in the office eight hours a day, while he has the liberty to do side projects or consulting.
He is also patient, an excellent teacher—and just plain fun. He fit right into the role. I love my daughters more than anything, but just don’t have the temperament or desire to stay at home. Being part of a professional team, making a difference through the nonprofit world, being productive, and building relationships is a joy and doesn’t feel like work. It didn’t feel right to give up or pause my career.
Even though a 2014 Pew Research Center study reported more than two million men are stay-at-home dads (up for than 100 percent from 30 years ago) the reactions to our lifestyle—even from immediate family—run the gamut. We have gotten all the common stereotypes, but it’s typically either shock that I don’t want to trade places or he must be lazy and unmotivated to work. (Could there be anything more incorrect. It’s an understatement to say that being a stay-at-home parent is a full-time job, and I have respect for anyone who does it.) He never gets enough credit for what he does with our children.
Because of these judgements, plus the stay-at-home role’s history and societal stereotypes, it feels twice as hard to be a working woman with a stay-at-home spouse. Being the breadwinner is a huge responsibility, and the mom-guilt that layers on top doesn’t stem the stress tide. Even when we had just one kid, I came home from work and immediately took over, doing afternoon play, dinner, bath, and bedtime by myself. On the weekends, I got up with her so he could sleep in, and I tried to take her out so he could get other things done. He didn’t ask for any of that. He appreciated it, but his parental role is equal to mine. My actions are purely a result of my own guilt as well as outside pressures to be both the best mom and the best career hustler.
Staying late at work or doing something for myself brought on immense guilt for leaving our daughter with him because he’d had her all day. Spending every second I wasn’t working with her because I was afraid she would feel slighted became the norm. Taking a “break” didn’t seem fair, but I was also burned out trying to avoid taking them in the first place. I wrote this article during dual naptime, until I had to type one-handed so I could breastfeed. Later, I folded towels and tried to think of what to say next. Would my husband have watched both kids for an hour so I could concentrate and finish my assignment? Of course. But I’m on maternity leave and I feel guilty for not doing it all before he has to in six weeks.
Financial stress is always top of mind, and the gender gap in pay equity is real. Did we potentially squander the opportunity to have more income just by nature of choosing the wife to work over the husband? The pressure of having to be perfect at work for advancement opportunities can be toxic, and it doesn’t go away when I walk through the door at home. There is no “mom” hat versus “work” hat. All the stress blends together. Sometimes it’s easier to just stay in perfection-seeking mode, but it’s damaging to mental health, personal relationships, and work performance.
Feeling the pressures of motherhood and womanhood will probably never go away. Women need to constantly remind ourselves (and each other) that perfection is not aspirational. No one gets a medal for doing it all. Acknowledging that my husband is good—perhaps better—at something that was “supposed” to be “the mother’s” role was a big first step in letting go of a persona that doesn’t conform to my values or my personality. Sometimes, bucking the trend means doing what feels right for you and your family, regardless of how others make you feel about it (including extended family). Even though the pressure feels like it’s all on me, I also feel extreme gratitude that we can afford to have my husband stay home, and that I have a champion partner who is willing to support me.
All I have to do is ask for help. For a lot of women, including myself, that’s like asking a 2-year-old to listen the first time you say “stop.” But I’m giving my daughters a strong female role model when I excel at work, and their dad does things I might not do if I stayed at home, but are so crucial to their development and childhood: music and dance parties, painting and art, tumbles and cuddles. They will be bold, courageous and smart because their parents leaned into their strengths.
My girls don’t have to be perfect to be loved or respected, which means I don’t need to hold myself to that standard either. And I can’t let anyone make me feel guilty for that—not even me.
Krystina spends her days in donor engagement and communication for a healthcare organization in Baltimore, which she considers the best job in fundraising, and she is also deeply committed to volunteering in Baltimore City. But her favorite roles are wife and mom. When she is not adventuring with her two daughters, she is in perpetual search of a really good cup (read: pot) of coffee or mastering her life goal of crafting the perfect charcuterie board.
