How to Define Your Own Success
by Krystina Wales
I don’t want to run my own business or work for myself. I don’t want to be well known on Instagram or social media; sometimes I don’t even want to have to do social media at all. I don’t want to be filthy rich (financially stable would be just fine). I don’t want to be well known at all. So, then, how did those things become my definition of success? And why do I feel I don’t measure up because I am not that person?
You become what you consume. I listen to entrepreneurial podcasts. I follow people I admire on social media. I network with innovators and leaders in my immediate area. I throw myself into communities where nonprofits and businesses are innovating and striving. Even my friends are amazing women who are crushing it and inspiring me.
But it's a delicate balance. It's not a bad thing to invest my time in these things. I learn from people and platforms, gathering knowledge and tips for how to put my priorities of leadership and service into practice. But instead of just taking snippets of advice on leadership or advocating for yourself from these podcasts or admiring these nonprofits for their mission, I do what I always do. I take it to the next level; I tip the scale.
I throw myself in too hard, diluting the value. I start to reflect on the qualities I lack in leadership and innovation. I invest my time in too many nonprofits and end up giving less of myself to all of them. Why do others make more of a civic impact in the community than me? Why don't I take stellar photos to post on Instagram? Why can't I seem to capitalize on any of this to generate my own income? Am I not talented enough? Am I not skilled enough? Why is anyone friends with me? I'm such a loser!
You recognize this: the spiral. I'm not living into my core values of authenticity and making a difference when I spiral. Instead of feeling confident in myself, my abilities and my own path, I start to question all the ways I don’t measure up, and it can be Debilitating—with a capital “D.”
Let's do some perspective-searching for a moment.
I hate lima beans. (Go with me for a second.) I think they are a fallacy of the vegetable species. But what if I cooked lima beans every night and expected myself to eat them, yet every night, I just threw them away and felt guilty about doing it? Except I don't stop making them because I think, One day I'll just eat them. Every few nights I try a couple, I’m reminded I hate them, but I still don't change my habits. I keep making them.
That sounds ridiculous. So, why am I doing it with my thoughts? Why am I continuing to put my lima-bean-thoughts and expectations on my plate of life, throwing them away each night, only to cook them up the next day and expecting to feel differently about them?
I am never going to grow into a person that likes lima beans. Just like I am never going to be a self-employed career woman; the stress would crush me. But there are plenty of vegetables I do like. And who cares if the whole world is taking artful photos of their lima beans and telling me how great they are for you and how much they have changed their life? I have to be able to stand up confidently and scream from the rooftops, "I don’t like lima beans!" (And own it.)
When those thoughts of "You aren't enough" or "You are failing" creep in, that's my trigger to stop and reevaluate. Know your triggers. It doesn't matter how busy I am or what I have going on because, once I am down that spiral, it takes a lot longer to dig myself out physically, mentally and emotionally, than if I had done this work to begin with.
First, you have to know what your values and goals are. The research and work of Brené Brown, the goddess of shame and vulnerability, set the tone for my leadership journey and leaning into my values. Even if you haven't read her books (which you should), start with this list of suggested values and pick two that feel true to you, ones in which all your other values pass through.
When I am faced with a difficult decision or am struggling to focus, I ask myself: Am I being authentic here? Am I making a difference? I define these very specifically for myself, so the answers are personal to me, but they give me a grounding point to revisit when I feel out of control.
If you haven't set goals, it's not too late into the new year to start. I recommend Susannah Conway's “Unravel Your Year.” It's a free, downloadable workbook that walks you through an evaluation of the previous year, with leading prompts to map out your new year through small monthly goals and check-ins.
Having these tools at my fingertips to look back on and refocus my energies is a tremendous help. I found myself recently starting to spiral. I felt I was getting a lot of opinions on my parenting and it was making me question my abilities and my trust in myself as a mom. I couldn't get out of the shame spiral until I flipped through my “Unravel Your Year” workbook and looked at the three things I said I was going to say no to in 2020:
Negativity
Fear
Judgement
I just smiled to myself at the gift my past self gave me. All the things I was feeling were emotions I had agreed weren't going to have a front seat in my life this year. So, I took a deep breath, shut my office door at 6:30 a.m., turned on “WTF,” by Missy Elliott, and danced in my office. Yes, I did that. Because that three minutes of moving my body and letting my inhibitions go allowed me to physically release that negativity. I started the day with such renewed energy.
It can be hard not to let outside influences force your hand, to buck the trend and take the road less traveled. But I don't have enough hours in the day to waste on things that don’t make me happy or align with my goals and values. Instead of beating myself up for not being an ideal that I assume the world needs or wants me to be, I have got to focus on my own version of what that looks like. I can’t let myself get so deep into a shame spiral that I forget what I actually want out of life. I can be my own hindrance to success—but I can also be my savior.
I will never be an entrepreneur. I will never be known. I will never like lima beans. And that's just how I want it.
Krystina spends her days in donor engagement and communication for a healthcare organization in Baltimore, which she considers the best job in fundraising, and she is also deeply committed to volunteering in Baltimore City. But her favorite roles are wife and mom. When she is not adventuring with her two daughters, she is in perpetual search of a really good cup (read: pot) of coffee or mastering her life goal of crafting the perfect charcuterie board.
