Asking For Help is a Strength
by Krystina Wales
I saw a meme on Facebook the other day that said, “The three hardest things to say are: I was wrong, I need help, and Worcestershire sauce.” Unless you work for Lea & Perrins, two of these three statements require a particularly large dose of vulnerability when used in the context of the workplace.
Women are faced with compounded opportunities to steer away from these statements and barrel ahead, proving to ourselves and others that we are capable, worthy and talented. In the midst of imposter syndrome and self-doubt, competition with other women means we bury these needs just to keep up.
As with most industries, I play the numbers game. In fundraising, hitting strategic goals for visits and gifts proves your worth to the team. So when lines get crossed, people get territorial. No one wants to be overshadowed or bullied out of a job by someone else, while that someone else is just trying just as desperately to prove their worth.
The benefits of approaching the work as a team, logically, makes more sense and is more conducive to donor needs, which, in the end, is the heart of our work. But competition and fear play a large role in our inability to back down and admit we are being walled off and un-collaborative.
Every positive characteristic of team mentality takes intentional work. The challenge inherent in being collaborative, open, authentic—including admitting you were wrong or need help—typically comes from one of two places: pride or fear. And, really, pride in this context is just the fear of not being seen as you intend.
It has taken a long time and a lot of self-reflection, but I now recognize one of my big triggers is the appearance that I am weak. Any time I feel my strength or competence is being questioned, I squeal wheels, turn the car around and get massively defensive. This notion has led me to some destructive behaviors, including not asking for help because “I can do it all.”
What I was really saying was “I’m better than you because I can handle this and you can’t.” In my fear of appearing weak, I displaced the weak moniker onto others to make myself feel better. Putting others down to boast myself up isn’t being a good team player, or even a good human. One of my core values is making a difference, and that behavior was in direct opposition to that value.
All of this was in pursuit of perfectionism, which I learned (Damn you, Brene Brown and your wisdom!) is actually the opposite of self-improvement. It’s debilitating because it relies on being constantly fed other people’s approval rather than relying on your own self-worth. As Anne Lamott says, “Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor.” Perfectionism thrives on shame and unworthiness as its driving force, and relies on you constantly being down on yourself in order to continue to strive toward this unattainable goal.
Admitting you were wrong or you need help takes strength and courage. It doesn’t matter if the person on the other end does the same. There will be people who take advantage of that vulnerability in you in the workplace, and try to turn your confession into a sign of weakness or incompetence. But true leadership doesn’t come from doing things that are easy.
I love this quote from author Elizabeth Gilbert, “Women I love and admire didn’t get that way because shit worked out. They got that way because shit went wrong and they handled it.” It’s so simple, but serves as a reminder that hard things are opportunities to learn and grow. It might seem like a good or easy decision in the moment to choose competition, but long-term, it doesn’t make you a strong and capable leader.
A common scenario is an overwhelming amount of work. You are working on 25 projects concurrently, and your boss comes to you with yet another. You take it on. A couple of other tasks fall by the wayside, are left incomplete or, at the very least, become delayed. Coworkers might not see your project list, the overwhelming feelings you are experiencing or the effort you are putting in to stay afloat. All they see is the end results—which are lackluster.
OR
You are working on 25 projects concurrently. Your boss comes to you with yet another. You discuss it with her, share your workload, explain the time investment, and specify the projects that will have to take a backseat or be reassigned so you can focus on her new task. You end up not being burnt out, projects are well-executed and coworkers see you as someone they can rely on to produce good work, while your boss sees someone who is honest and self-aware.
It seems to counter every instinct we have been taught about work ethic and reliability, but being honest, vulnerable and authentic in your work and admitting you are wrong or need help in a productive way, establishes you as a strong, capable leader that people can count on… even if you still can’t pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
Krystina spends her days in donor engagement and communication for a healthcare organization in Baltimore, which she considers the best job in fundraising, and she is also deeply committed to volunteering in Baltimore City. But her favorite roles are wife and mom. When she is not adventuring with her two daughters, she is in perpetual search of a really good cup (read: pot) of coffee or mastering her life goal of crafting the perfect charcuterie board.
