Letting Go of Past Expectations
by Lena Malorodova
In fifth grade, the yearbook asked each of us what we wanted to be when we grew up. I was confident in my answer, and proud of myself for coming up with something that wasn’t the “norm.” I went down in history as the little kid who declared that when she grew up, she would be a dolphin trainer.
Why? Well, I loved the aquarium. I loved watching the dolphin shows, especially when the trainers got to jump into the giant tank with the dolphins and perform for the cheering crowds. What’s not to love?
As an adult, I can confirm I am not a dolphin trainer. That dream faded at some point in high school, once I looked up how much education and study went into working with dolphins for a living. Turns out, the expectations I had for myself as a 10-year-old were not aligning with how I found the world shaping up around me—something that is completely normal and okay. Yet, as an adult, I’ve witnessed a lot of people struggle with accepting things like this—myself included.
Let’s take a step back and start with a generic question: at what age did you first have the thought, “This isn’t where I thought I’d be right now?”
I know for myself, this unwanted and oftentimes intrusive mentality would pop up at random times throughout high school, college, and adulthood—often stemming from comparing where I was to where I *expected* to be, based on a worldview I held years and years ago. I’ve come to realize that friends, family, and colleagues alike have fallen prey to this thought spiral, whether it’s:
friends who had to move home during the pandemic to save on rent or pay for school
people who have gone through painful breakups
co-workers who thought they would’ve moved up or on to another company by now
people who expected to be homeowners by now and are facing an incredibly difficult housing market
people who completed multiple higher education degrees only to find themselves completely dissatisfied with their careers on the other side
We’ve grown accustomed as a society to relating to others through mutual dissatisfaction. If someone says, “This isn’t where I thought I’d be right now,” odds are the response from the surrounding people is, “Honestly, same.”
Where does all of this come from? By saying, “This isn’t where I thought I’d be,” we’re saying we had an idea of where we wanted our lives to go at some point in the past, and now we’ve failed to meet that expectation.
Sometimes these expectations come from society, or ourselves, or older generations and family who raised you to believe that things had to play out a certain way. On my 19th birthday, I remember blowing out my candles and having a very close family friend say, “You know, I married my husband at 19!” Another chimed in, “I met mine at 19!” Then someone threw in, “We bought a house when we were only a couple years older than you are now!” Sitting there, I realized all of these people around me held the same expectations for me that they experienced in their own lives.
Think about how much has shifted in the world between when they had the experiences they’re holding you to, and the present. We live in an unprecedented age where our access to technology is developing at a rapid rate—and knowledge at our fingertips that previous generations didn’t have. They worked hard to compile all of this knowledge and pass it onto the younger generations, and while this affords us so many opportunities people may not have had in the past, it also raises a whole new set of challenges we face as a result.
How can we live up to expectations of previous generations when we’re constantly changing in a world that’s also evolving at a rapid pace? That’s not to say having goals is wrong, but it’s up to each of us individually to find a path forward that works for us, and realize there is no such thing as a proper “timeline” by which you have to achieve your goals.
There’s no right or wrong way to live your life, and one of the most refreshing realizations to have is you have to forgive yourself for not living up to expectations the younger you set for yourself years ago. There’s nothing wrong with where you are, or how you got there, and it sure as hell doesn’t mean you’re not going to keep moving forward in the way that’s right for you.
You do you, my friends.
Lena is a Senior Consultant at IBM who currently lives in Denver, CO. She graduated from the University of Maryland, where she studied International Business and Economics. You'll often find her at the airport, traveling both for work and to fulfill her lifelong quest to find the best cafe both domestic and abroad. When at home, most of her time is spent watching Friends, reading a good book, or wandering the city (with a cup of coffee in hand, of course).
