Why It’s Okay to Opt Out of Thanksgiving, and How to Have the Conversation
by Mandy Shold

Let’s start with the obvious: There’s nothing normal about this Thanksgiving. Instead of simply focusing on prepping our menus and shopping for the perfect place settings, the stress of COVID-19 has taken over this year’s holiday planning. States are issuing travel bans as the country climbs over 10 million cases, and more are hospitalized than ever before.

And while the third wave builds momentum, it can feel like the first wave never ended. For many of us, the concept of Thanksgiving brings not a sigh of relief, but instead a conundrum:

Should I opt out of Turkey Day?

For my family, it took a while to come to the conclusion to cancel Thanksgiving. While there are only three of us, we live in different states and my dad works at a hospital, so at the end of the day, we decided we were just putting too many people at too high of a risk. So after many tearful conversations, we canceled the flights and tucked the cranberries and turkey away in the freezer.

I may have been the one who had the final say in canceling, but the decision wasn’t met with resentment from my family—and instead, actually issued a sigh of relief.

Many aren’t as lucky, though.

While teetering back and forth on my decision, I talked to a lot of other people who were doing the same—trying to decide between what is right and what is easy. In fact, almost every single person I’ve spoken with has had reservations about the holiday; most were just too afraid to voice their concerns. 

If you’re reading this and you’re one of the countless people uncomfortable with “Thanksgiving-as-usual,” I’m here to tell you that you do have another choice: Yes, you can spend Thanksgiving alone. Spending it alone and safe is far better than together, uncomfortable and at-risk.

I’m not going to tell you that the decision is easy. I understand that there’s a lot of factors at play, from travel logistics to family dynamics—but at the end of the day, you need to feel comfortable, and you need to feel safe.

So, if you’re looking to say “No Way!” to Turkey Day, I’m here to walk you through how to have that conversation. 

Step One: Just Be Honest

No need to beat around the bush—start by telling people you don’t feel comfortable with your plans and that you’ll be opting out of this month’s celebrations. This can be really intimidating, but much like writing a college term paper, come prepared with facts to help support your argument. Look up city, county or state ordinances about social gatherings and household numbers, or check out what your specific airline is (or isn’t) doing to prevent the spread. Just maybe steer clear of name-dropping that one cousin whose Instagram proves they clearly aren’t wearing a mask or social distancing.

Step Two: Stand Your Ground

This is the part of the conversation where you will likely encounter a lot of disappointment or even bargaining from family members. Know that you have every right to be frustrated if they dismiss your reservations or start with the guilt trips. But the truth is, you came to this conclusion from a place of love—you love yourself, your family and the people around you enough to make this decision. Stand your ground, and don’t feel like you owe anyone an apology.

Step Three: Offer An Alternative

Sure, you could set up a Zoom call and take your regular “seat” at the table. But that can feel uncomfortable if you’re the only one opting out. Lucky for you, Thanksgiving isn’t just one meal—it’s an entire day. Try to find a way to engage with your loved ones virtually (preferably one that’s more personal than a laptop at the dinner table). Maybe you and your friends have an entirely virtual Thanksgiving brunch with chai mimosas and pumpkin pancakes. Or maybe you join your aunt in the kitchen for a virtual cooking class, as she finally teaches you how to make her coveted sweet potato casserole.

Step Four: Focus On What’s Next

Remember that you didn’t make this decision lightly but, and that you’re doing this for the future. Whether it’s to protect your grandparents’ health or to save up on vacation time so you can take a road trip down for Christmas, you have your reasons. And while the past nine months may have felt like nine years, know this also isn’t forever.

One day, we’ll be able to share Turkey Day with the ones we love most. Until then—be safe, trust yourself and, of course, wear a damn mask.

Mandy spends her days working in public relations, specializing in sustainability and corporate responsibility - a job which not only fuels her soul but also pays her San Francisco rent. She spends her (virtually nonexistent) free time exploring the Bay Area craft beer scene, working on her rock collection, and wishing her cat would be the big spoon sometimes. For additional sass and details of her life held together by caffeine and dry shampoo, follow her on twitter @WayToRepresent.