How Does One Make Friends in a New City While Working Remotely?
by Nicki Wolfe
Spoiler alert: this story does not have a happy ending … at least not yet. But seriously, how does one make friends as an adult in a new city while working remotely during a global pandemic?
Right smack dab in the middle of the COVID-19 pandemic, my partner was offered an amazing job on the west coast. Reluctantly, we packed up our beautiful Brooklyn apartment—located mere minutes from all our closest friends and favorite coffee shops—and headed to the Bay Area. We arrived just after Thanksgiving 2020, right around the time the entire city completely shut down.
Two months earlier, I had taken a new job myself—one that was fully remote, whether the pandemic continued or not. This was both lucky and unfortunate, as it allowed us to make the move without my having to worry about work, but also left me without the most direct way to make human connections as an adult: the physical workplace.
Had we stayed in New York, this friend-finding predicament, of course, would not exist. I enjoyed a network of in-the-flesh pals all over Brooklyn, many of whom I had known for years, mostly from my hometown in Florida. Not only did I have firm friendships, but most of us had a deeply shared history. On the west coast, however, I had exactly one friend. That friend lived in Alameda at the time, and my partner and I settled in an apartment right smack in the center of San Francisco. It doesn’t seem like such a distance, but in California, it absolutely is.
At first, it didn’t feel so isolating. My partner and I would spend our weekends exploring the Northern California coastline, hiking in the redwoods, and, through dense fog, watch what was likely the sun setting over the Pacific. Although I desperately missed New York before we even left, California felt like a fun new adventure for the first couple of months.
However, as we began to settle in and after we had consumed an overwhelming amount of nature, the feeling of complete isolation began to creep in. I had been working from home for nearly a year, but my partner was now going into the office daily. His two children were still learning remotely. This meant any time they were staying with us—roughly fifty percent of the time—they shared our tiny cramped apartment with me as I worked. I began to feel like an incarcerated nanny. My only saving grace was I had brought my best friend on to work at my new company as well, so although she was on the other side of the country, we were able to have fun work banter through Slack.
Being a true elder millennial, at some point I decided to take a chance and start reaching out to some of the fellow Bay Area folks I followed on Instagram, hoping to make some sort of connection. After a few chats of “let’s totally meet up!” and “let’s go dancing when COVID is over!,” these would-be pals fizzled into DM oblivion. I began to feel more alone than ever.
My only choice was to turn to therapy, which I had never tried up until this point. My therapist advised me to join some sort of activity just for myself, away from my family, where I might meet some new people. I chose my old stand-by: yoga. I joined a yoga studio, hoping to decompress mentally and physically, and maybe meet a few zenful friends. Spoiler alert: I have been attending classes (masked) two to three times a week for the past three months, and have never once said a single word to anyone, save when the entire room whispers “namaste” at the end of class.
I’m beginning to think I’ve forgotten how to talk to other humans at all.
I can say with all honesty that for the most part, I love working remotely. I enjoy the freedom, the non-existent commute, and the flexible schedule. There is just something about bonding with people who make their living doing the same thing as you that just makes one feel like a complete human being. This part of working in an office or place of business is simply irreplaceable. You can keep the stale leftover bagels, but please give me my work pals.
There’s no way to know if I will ever make friends here in San Francisco. I did finally see my one Bay Area pal after nine months, which is promising, but it’s still quite a trek for us to get together. As the world continues to open up, perhaps there will be more opportunity to connect with locals. Maybe I’ll work from a coffee shop a few days a week. Maybe I’ll strike up a conversation if I ever decide to take public transit somewhere.
In the meantime, I’ll be here in my little apartment, Slacking with my best friend three time zones away.
Nicki is a San Francisco based freelance writer. She also works in Real Estate Operations for a Fintech startup from the comfort of her living room. Nicki's passion for travel and exploration is what drives her in every aspect of life. Outside of work, you can find her riding on the back of her partner's Vespa, drinking tiki cocktails, and planning her next adventure. Follow her on Instagram at @nickigenevieve.
