Stop Glorifying Busyness
Sara Bliss
I bristle at the b-word. Not the one that gets used when a woman ignores catcalling from the street—I’m talking about the one that’s usually said with an eye roll, or slumped shoulders or a dismissive wave of the hand: “busy.” People tend to let this word define their entire identity, wearing it like a badge of honor. They joke about being on day six of dry shampoo and not being able to recall the last time they remembered to stop and eat lunch; they’re lauded for multitasking, skimping on sleep and hooking themselves up to an IV drip of caffeine. So many of us are worn down and overloaded, surviving on the fumes of solidarity and self-deprecating humor—and we get rewarded for it in the commiseration with others.
Busy, busy, busy. We hear it all the time, but what are the people who say it really saying?
What you say: “I’m so busy.”
What you mean: “I’ve accomplished a lot, and haven’t gotten the recognition I feel I deserve.”
If this resonates with you, there could be a few ways to alter the conversation. First, consider having a chat with your boss if you notice a lack of feedback (positive or negative) in your workplace. It can be hard to continue to put effort into projects if no one has anything to say about the results. Expecting constant praise is unrealistic, but simple acknowledgment can go a long way.
Second, you may be setting your expectations too high in this season of your life. Maybe you’ve just built a beautiful blog and you’ve been publishing thoughtful, well-written posts, but you’re only getting a few page views a week. It can be easy to get caught up in the numbers—but if that’s all you’re focusing on, you’ll lose sight of the reason you started in the first place. Third, make sure you’re not fishing for compliments. If you want someone to know about the book you’re writing or the side business you’re starting, just tell them about it! Don’t hint at your success then expect people to push for details; it comes off as arrogant.
What you say: “I’m too busy.”
What you mean: “My priorities are all over the place, and I am choosing not to make time for that.”
This is for the people who can’t find enough time in the day—because they aren’t looking hard enough. You’re choosing to hit snooze four times instead of making yourself a nice breakfast. You’re choosing to use your lunch break to add things to your ever-expanding Amazon wish list instead of reading a few chapters of a book. You’re choosing to deep-clean your bathroom instead of finding sources for your next grad school paper. You’re choosing to scroll through memes on Instagram instead of taking your dog on a walk. This is tough love, but you need to hear it: You have the time, but you don’t have the desire to do whatever you’re “too busy” for. (And that’s OK!) It just means that particular thing (eating well, reading more) is not a priority for you right now.
What you say: “How am I? Busy.”
What you mean: “I honestly don’t know how I’m feeling. I haven’t checked in with myself in a while.”
It’s time to wave the self-care white flag. People who respond in this way are run down and inching closer to their breaking point. It’s amazing how many people are willing to help when you let down your walls and ask. Your friend is absolutely willing to watch your baby for 30 minutes while you have a hot, uninterrupted bath. Your coworker is likely a team player who would be more than happy to pitch in on a project. Your sibling is probably down to help you with that home improvement project that’s been sitting, half-finished, for months. “Busy” isn’t an emotional state. When I ask someone how they’re doing, I genuinely want to know. Are you frustrated? Exhausted? Overwhelmed? Working on something exciting? Nervous? “Busy” is a generic, non-answer that makes it clear the person is not willing to open up about what’s going on in their life. It doesn’t invite further conversation, and I can’t be a support system for someone who won’t let me know what’s happening in their day-to-day.
What you say: “This week has been so busy.”
What you mean: “I feel like I’m living my life for other people and can’t remember the last time I did something for myself.”
Ringing true? You may be an “obliger” who has no problem meeting outer expectations but struggles to meet inner expectations. You say yes to everything, even when you’d rather not, and prioritize your commitments over your own wellness, passions, or sanity. Sometimes we just need to sit down and take a hard look at what we’re deeming “necessary.” Your house is spotless, but will the world stop spinning if you didn’t spend six hours cleaning top-to-bottom every Saturday? Can you order in for dinner a couple of nights a week to allow more time to spend with your family? Do you really need to be in three different book clubs if you only look forward to one of them? Take a personal inventory of how you’re spending your time and make sure you swap out some favors to others for generosity toward yourself.
What you say: “Oh, you know, I’ve been keeping busy.”
What you mean: “I haven’t been making time for my hobbies or passions, and I’m not sure where the hours go.”
Even if you’re making time for daily showers, the occasional manicure and nourishing meals, you may still feel unfulfilled. Home maintenance and general health and wellness practices, while wonderful, don’t always satisfy us in the same way a hobby can. Take a good look at your calendar and see what type of free time you have, then turn inward and ask yourself what may be missing. Have you been dying to try a pottery class, or learn a new language? Did you grow up as the photographer of your friend group? Is there a drawing pad collecting dust in your room? Allow yourself the time to tap into old passions or discover new ones, and next time someone asks what you’ve been up to, you’ll have a real answer for them.
What you say: “I’m busy.”
What you mean: “I don’t want to agree to that, but I don’t want to be honest about why.”
Don’t do this to your people. Whether it’s a coworker, family member, friend or mere acquaintance, your humans deserve honesty when they ask you to do something. If you don’t want to watch your brother’s kid because you’re nervous around babies, tell him that. If you don’t want to go see Captain Marvel because you’re not into superhero movies, tell your friends as much. If you don’t want to spearhead a project because it doesn’t align with your values or your vision for the company, explain this to your boss. People are way more understanding than we give them credit for, and you’ll be much more likely to receive different invitations in the future if you’re open with them from the beginning.
Bottom line: stop glorifying busyness. We have full, rich lives and expansive vocabularies, so there’s always a better response than this overused b-word. Maybe this means doing the work to change your circumstances, or maybe it means examining why you feel as though you can’t be more honest with the people in your life. Either way, there’s no sense in having a full plate unless it also fills your cup. Practice saying no, embrace days with no set objective and sleep in this weekend. Then, get unbusy.
Sara works as a full-time admissions counselor at Flagler College in St. Augustine and runs a wellness Instagram to connect with other foodies. When she’s not in the kitchen, you can find her at the gym, reading a book, planning her next trip, or re-watching Game of Thrones episodes with her dog.
